I miss my car. I had this amazing Ford Escape that could do anything. It was sporty, and zippy and and could zoom down gravel roads like a boss! It wasn't a truck but it was pretty close. and I loved it. But, like all good cars do, it hit it's age limit and we had to start seriously considering something else. We had to think of things like space improvement, cargo room and the ever dreaded question of Are we going to have more children? A Ford Escape only holds 5 people and there is NO room for elbows, let alone luggage, and we ended up deciding it was time to let go of the Escape.
So we have this new van. A van I didn't want, but got anyways. I wanted something sportier like a Durango or a Sequoia. Something that didn't scream "I'm a mom of a million kids and I don't care who knows it!" I wanted something that said, "I may or may not have a million kids in here but you won't know unless you open the door and look in because you can't see though my insanely tinted privacy windows. Also, I can go up mountain trails without hesitation because I may or may not have a million kids in here." -- I know, it's a LOT to ask from a simple vehicle.
Why did I get a van? It was a LOT cheaper than my dream cars and we were in a financial situation that prevented us from a luxurious car budget. It's also a lot roomier. I don't like that my van does not have 4 wheel drive and it doesn't have a cup holder big enough to hold my beloved Nalgene water bottle. That's it. So far, that's the ONLY two things I can find to not like about my magical problem solving van!
Oh, and the fact that because I have a van now, everyone in the UNIVERSE feels like it's there business to ask me when I am going to have more kids to fill up my very spacious van. Strangers watching me load my 3 kids into the new van feel the need to comment on how I have my hands full but definitely have room for one more.
Do I want more kids? Yes, eventually. Do I want them the MINUTE I bring home a bigger vehicle. NO! NO! NO! Was the fact that I wanted more kids one of the main reasons we got a van. Yes. But there are SO many other things to consider besides a seat in a vehicle before we expand our family and I really don't feel like it's anyone's business when my husband and I decide to do that. I am already mourning the loss of my favorite car, don't shove pregnancy on me just yet.
Yep, I'm one of "those" women who despises pregnancy. I LOVE babies and toddlers and all the joy and laughter that they bring (and all the tears and sleepless nights) but there is so much more to consider besides finances, vehicle space and age gaps. There are things to consider like housing space, and emotional and mental stability of the mother and all of those around her before you throw another emotionally unstable tiny human into the mix. And in our case, we have to consider Hyperemesis Gravidarum.
Some women have morning sickness that I envy. And yet, I know that there are women who have morning sickness way worse than me. When I was pregnant with D I thought 22 weeks of straight vomiting was normal and never complained about it to my doctor. He was my first and I was working and I couldn't leave my bathroom from our apartment on the second floor and make it to my car in the parking lot without running back so I didn't have to puke in the grass. I thought it was normal. I ended up quitting my job and thought that's what a lot of pregnant women do. When my husband would make hamburgers I would hide in the back bedroom with the window open and my face smooshed as close to the screen as possible because the smoke from the george foreman churned my stomach. I made a bed in the bathroom and my husband had to ask me to leave when he needed it because we only had one bathroom and so I stood over the kitchen sink while I waited to return to my "kingdom". I ended up naming my toilet because I was in the bathroom so much and it was honestly starting to feel like my best friend. So, I named him George. When we went out with other couples, it was my code phrase for not feeling well. "Well, George is calling and I need to take this." and I would run off to the bathroom. When I got pregnant with T we were a little bit closer to my parents and D was only 18 months so he was pretty self contained. He could ask for water and food and I could change his pants and sleep on the couch with a movie on constantly and he didn't mind one bit. (Cars was all the rage that year so I know that movie PRETTY well) It hit me one day when I caught my oldest hugging the toilet and saying "mommy okay. mommy okay" like if he was in front of the toilet I wouldn't push him out of the way to talk to my good friend George. I thought maybe it was because I had two boys. I thought, "maybe I just get super sick when I have boys. maybe I won't be so sick when I have a girl."
I actually had a woman say to me once, "I don't know what's wrong with these young mom's and their inability to push through the morning sickness. It's not as bad as they make it out to be. I had morning sickness with all my kids and I still worked and they need to just POWER THROUGH." -- I was shocked at her lack of understanding of how serious morning sickness can actually be for women and yet, I had no idea how bad it could be until I got pregnant with Miss Jbean and right on cue the morning sickness started and I knew, I KNEW all of my pregnancies would be this way. That I was DOOMED to have severe morning sickness.
On my 29th birthday I woke up and couldn't keep anything down. Not even the tiniest sip of water. I was so light headed and I knew something was wrong and I made my husband take me to the ER where they tried at least 3 different kids of medication and pumped me full of liquids which I promptly threw up. They found a medication that took the edge off but it only worked for 2 weeks and then I guess my body built up and intolerance to it. I missed the 4th of July with my family because I couldn't get out of bed and the smell of sulfur sent me into instant "George mode". I laid in bed listening to my kids spend the summer bored in front of Netflix because mommy couldn't leave the bathroom. It's a wonder how they all survived because I don't remember making any memorable meals for 6 months straight. It was disabling and depressing and I was so thankful for the few women in my life who knew EXACTLY how I was feeling and sent me inspiring and funny quotes every day.
Hyperemesis is a physical struggle but what all the studies don't tell you about it is how much of a MAJOR toll it takes on your emotional and mental stability. I cried for days and weeks. I laid on the bathroom floor trying to convince myself that this "little bundle of joy" was NOT an evil parasite come to murder me slowly. I asked my husband for many prayers and yet I didn't want other people to know how much I was struggling. When people would come to visit me, their reactions when I finally pulled myself off the bathroom floor and puttered out to the front door only reaffirmed what I already knew. I looked like true death. I lost so much weight with each pregnancy, I passed out often and it was concerning to my doctors. It got to the point where I would look at food and decide what to eat because of how it tasted or how much I enjoyed that food but based it on how it would feel and taste in reverse because that was my reality. Nothing stayed down. Ever.
These are all things I think about and have to weigh in very heavily on before we even begin TALKING about adding another little one to our family. And I know that other people mean well and that strangers are trying to compliment me on my family when they say things but sometimes I just want to cry when they so flippantly suggest that having another baby is so easy. I have friends who struggle to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I have friends who struggle with infertility. I have friends who, for them, pregnancy isn't even in the cards. I know women who struggle with Hyperemesis the entire 40-42 weeks of pregnancy. I know women who fight with all they have to keep their head above the "baby blues" and each one of those women that I know, my heart breaks for them because I have a small glimpse into the struggle it is to bring a baby into this world and keep smiling about it. Pregnancy is a breeze for some women and I salute them with my whole heart. But for those of us who it's not so easy for, I cry with you. I sit beside you, I give each of you a piece of my heart because we all just need a little love and understanding and a little less demands on ourselves. We all need to step back and be excited for where each other are at in our lives. Be excited for each adventure without imposing guilt or expectations on others, even in a joking manner. We need to have more true and genuine respect and love for each others circumstances.
How do I show more love to my fellow man. How do I support and defend each of the women in my life? How can I lift someone up? How will my words help or hurt another, intentionally or not?
These are all of the things I MUST consider before anything else in my daily life.
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